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I need to find something to motivate myself to come back here. I haven't even fully read all the comments on my last journal, whenever that was posted.
Considering that I have a few DA matters to finish off, it's a bit more crucial that I return, yet that instead makes me not want to return at the same time. 

We all like to run away and stay away from our responsibilities sometimes, don't we? Only when when our mind is in leisure or things are almost broken beyond repair we begin to address them. 
In reality addressing it as soon as possible will only make peace come sooner, but we are too obsessed with immediate satisfaction. So we instead waste more time. 

I don't understand where the satisfaction is. I spend the rest of my day thinking about things I have to do and how I didn't do them, how much I time I wasted, and this apparently seems more comfortable than getting something done quickly, making free time and boosting my feeling of accomplishment. Maybe I have other things to worry, which I indeed do like everyone else, but it makes no sense that I'd rather pour my energy on worrying over something I cannot predict further. 

So I guess to relieve the tension I feel from all this nonsense, I write this out and consequently read the scripts of my thoughts, which makes me realize harder the fact that whatever I am currently doing is not logical and counter productive, and that is actually making me a bit depressed, which is again counter productive and against its entire purpose. ...DOH

I am digging a directionless, underground tunnel to pass a wall, when I can build a ladder and jump over it. Building a ladder takes more effort than gripping a spoon, but at least when you have a good start, it takes 2 seconds to jump over. Yet I am afraid of what might flash behind the wall, or a giant falcon gripping me in mid air, or the possibility that the other side is a cliff, so I'd rather go slowly under dirt, even though underground, I may be as clueless. Caution is always necessarily, it'd be reckless of me to jump over with my eyes closed, but I don't see how it's that much better to be too cautious. I am wasting time.

Others tell me very often to stop worrying, that worrying won't change what happens in the future, but that's technically untrue. Worries make people prepare, it's only that an excessive amount is bad, I am aware, I am just having a hard time determining at which point I should stop myself. I am often worried that I have not worried enough, indicating a poor preparation and not having thought of everything I should have, because there are a lot of things I can look over, which as a consequence can invoke problems that could have been avoided and therefore render myself as a reckless, unprepared person, which can have a rather detrimental effect to the occasional low self esteem I experience, causing myself to be too timid and too limited if not resolved properly which can counter-productively negatively affect my performance at my job, yet at the same time worrying too much can cloud my mind to efficiently look for proper resources which can help me avoid potential problems, and instead have negative affect on my psyche and physical health, making me sleep extremely late because I waste time writing journals about it in hopes of relieving such mental tension and conflict, when more realistically I could be giving myself sufficient amount of sleep such that when the circumstances do arise I am more mentally refreshed to response properly even if I have not prepared as much as I unrealistically hoped for the night before, and the reason why I would never feel that I am prepared enough is because with my sense of insecurity and impending doom at the moment, I probably cannot even think of what to worry further about anyway, and despite the fact that objectively I could have already finished preparing as much as I could as this particular individual, it's not the matter of what to worry and what to not worry about anymore, it's about whether my insecurity is fully fed, but let's face it, insecurity is never satisfyingly fed. 

In conclusion, I have realized that excessive worrying is to overfeed my insecurities, whose tummy will never feel full despite its necessary dosage being already satisfied. It's something that I just have to learn to put aside, whether it is crying out loud or not. This is some seriously annoying mentality bullshit. I wish I were a more efficient thinker and doer.

Most appropriate thing to do now is sleep. Take care of few things until end of Friday, then hopefully I'll be back. Then figure out how to improve my attendance on DA. 

Good night. 

deviantID

EmptyShadow
psycho keeper
Artist
United States
I like birds

My Tumblr: paransaeya.tumblr.com
Commission Page: emptyshadow.deviantart.com/jou…

Current Residence: My room
Favourite genre of music: Anything that sounds good
Shell of choice: Seashell
Favourite cartoon character: Hatake Kakashi
Personal Quote: If you flee in fear you will die, but if you face and fight your fear, you may survive.
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Comments


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:iconorangeletters88:
OrangeLetters88 3 days ago  New member Hobbyist Artist
I love your style :3 
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:icondeviantyoungarter:
deviantYOUNGARTER Apr 5, 2014  Professional General Artist
where are you?long time no see.
Reply
:iconphazic36:
Phazic36 Jan 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I haven't been on here in a long time, but I'm glad to see you're still at it and improving too! :D
Reply
:iconzenaxjack:
zenaXjack Jan 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

I love your art


Reply
:iconspectrallemon:
SpectralLemon Dec 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I cannot express how much I just love your characters and style. I'm so glad you're online more often, it really makes my day much better to see your puppet-Kai Icon licking the screen.
Reply
:iconannaliese0:
Annaliese0 Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Reply
:icondesdemonalawliet:
DesdemonaLawliet Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Damn, Shadow. You must be raking in the cash with all these commissions.
Reply
:iconemptyshadow:
lol yeah. At least it helps me draw 
Reply
:icondesdemonalawliet:
DesdemonaLawliet Dec 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Also fairly helpful for the upcoming holidays. Shame I can't draw like you, my tablet never worked right. You'll have to let me know which one you use, if any. The one I tried wouldn't keep up with the pen very well and got jumpy if I moved it more than an inch away. That's no good, y'know?

Ah well. At least I have my stories. No one buys stories, though. Hmph. Art racists.
Reply
:iconemptyshadow:
Which brand did you use? My tablet is from Wacom from about 10 years ago. They don't even manufacture this anymore, haha! I just got attached to this old thing, but the pen is kind of falling apart. 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconeffigytormented:
Discounts for psychotic characters eh?  Oh my you have no idea . . . . 
Reply
:iconeffigytormented:
You should check a few of my stories, if I can ever scrap together the scratch to pay ye I might take a commission . . . . well if you don't mind drawing from the written word . . . I'm abysmal when it comes to drawing, but wordcraft, now that's my passion.

Granted my characters might not be that crazy, beats me, I'm a very poor judge of these matters.
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:iconintoxiic:
I'm bringing sexy back.  You in to help? XD
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