Well it's already been past a month since my last post and the whole "I'll be active again!" schnanigans. It seems like lately I cannot get into drawings at all, or sadly any art related things.
I suspect there's some internal constipation associating itself with drawing such that it prevents me from anticipating any joy out of doing art, like an uncomfortable web that's gone total cluster fuk.
I would have spent time untangling this but other personal stuff is not giving me much space to do so, time and energy wise. I have identified a almost solid wall that's being the most hindering thing, but I don't know how to address it. I don't even have enough willpower to do anything about it, but it sure nags the hell out of me.
However in the end, I know that the most important thing about dealing with these overwhelming internal complications is to really let it be for a bit, and not rush. So for now I spend a lot of time cooking. I will keep myself busy (not mindlessly) until I feel enough space to unravel the knots. Maybe it might be never, maybe I may never draw again. It might be never as long as I am in my current situation/environment, or maybe I am done with drawing for good.
But I don't feel like self prophesizing right now, and at the same time, I don't feel like demanding a wishful fate on me either. If my body and mind don't want to partake in artistic activities, then I don't think I will resist against it. It's obviously repulsing for a reason. If I am inclined and choose to just distract myself from this dilemma, I'd rather not engage in any mindless activities, because with this eventually I will only condition myself to be lazy.
There's some shadow inside me that I need to light to truth, but I am not sure which angle to shed the light, yet. It is obviously not something I can fix with brute force if it was capable, to this extent, of stopping me from doing the simplest hobby. I think it might be getting worse. That or it's beginning to exploit itself more. Like cancer, it's taking deeper effect on me, yet at the same time, it's beginning to become more visible. I can either choose to interpret this as doom or an opportunity to study it.
Obviously I will choose the latter because I have no intention of giving up art by any means, but for now I have to let this thing grow, and keep a mindful watch at the same time. It would be foolish for me to sit around and let it destory me, or even to stab it constantly and hope that it dies, to which I will probably die from first....I do not have enough resource to take a stab at it and keep a mindful watch at the same time.
So I think I will say that I won't be doing art for a while, let alone a doodle. I am taking break. I don't even want to impose it on myself as motivation anymore, I am obviously not wanting to do it. This also implies that I will not be active on DA either. I apologize to people awaiting my reply or response, I will address them as much as I can for now.
I hold onto hope that by taking away "art" and "being artist" out of my view that's been constantly blinding me,
and binding me,
because my sense of identity and accomplishment are so greedy,
I will see the web inside of me more clearly,
and shall life give me enough space,
to which majorly will be affected by what I choose as my pace,
and how I remain mindful and open to what truth I may face,
whether to never be able to draw again and give up my heartfelt project,
or to take many steps back and admit I am not ready yet,
or in the most wishful fate, become the artist I wanted to be,
I will untangle this cancerous mess and set myself free,
and all these anticipation only blinds me more, for I will probably only want to see what I want to see
So my dreams I shall always follow, but for now I will mindfully admit defeat
to give myself space to breathe, to let myself get back on my feet
to accept things that's not meant to be, whether this is true for eternity or temporary, I am not sure
but by taking steps back that I may currently perceive as undesirable from this endless battle, rest assured,
I am almost certain that I will be able to fight it back one way or another
eventually, whether that be soon or never, in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter anymore
I don't want to spend the rest of my life in overwhelmth and resist, to overlook what I could have decided to still take,
So for now, I give myself rest; this battle I no longer wish to partake
Perhaps with a third eye I shall gain wisdom to fight this differently entirely,
or if it becomes exhausted on its own and falters, I will have time to examine more closely,
or the world shows mercy and gives all of us a chance to compromise,
whatever opportunities come, I will take and utilize,
for anything is better than bringing anyone or anything a certain demise,
because all of this, in the end, will always be a part of me.
So being flexible and mindful, I shall be.
For the time being, I shall relax, and develop joy in other things as I cook and bake
Perhaps cooking is not that far off from art after all, as food is still an invention of mine, something I make
Tonight I chose to keep myself happy and active, by making arugula salad and steak.
It's already been an hour since I started writing this, I am so stubborn with getting my thoughts across
However I know in these efforts and time I chose to put into this, I feel no loss
I must now eat my food now, it's getting cold.
I may not be back, I may not draw again, but all this hope that I've written here, I will forever hold.
I didn't intend to write a prose, haha. It just happened. Anyway, thanks everyone.