I've been working remotely in the background to mature the concepts behind my comic projects, the bare bone of it. I was initially thinking of "just draw as you go", because stories and ideas can develop during the process, while providing drawing practices at the same time.
However too many ideals and principles roamed incomplete in my head, and I became more preoccupied solidifying all these concepts and incorporating it to my story telling afterwards.
I was too impatient to let these ideals simply "slip" into my work; their otherwise subtle appearance would have seemed insufficient to me.
It does not and would not do justice for the amount of spiritual investment I commit to these concepts to fully grasp them and perfect their tangibility. They need to be outside of my head.
Beginning from this year's January I began streaming down what my mind seems to constantly occupy itself over. First written in incomplete modes of expression and immediate interpretations, then to incubate in my mind and reiterate itself into a more comprehensible form. I just wrote down everything, from my internal preoccupations to comic story lines, regardless of repetitiveness, poor chronological order, poor wording, inconsistent expressions, cheesiness, etc.. I tried my best not to force myself to complete them, for many inspirations and enlightenment are to constantly flow in from life and other people.
In fact, I am slightly reluctant to re-read all my writings because free mind can be pretty stupid and corny as hell, but at this point I am confident that my maturing progress of my contents may be otherwise encouraging.
All this time I've been hesitant of bringing forth all these plans, ideas, and concepts, because I felt they were not yet ready. They felt like jumbled wires; incredibly unsightly and confusing. My characters felt like hollow pencil lines, with ill-fully conveyed inspirations, shoddy story lines and forced characteristics; obvious knock offs of their inspired role models and just plain flat; characters & ideals alike poorly integrated into the big picture. What was even the big picture? This is all obviously an exaggerated concern of my work, but a hindering factor to my production nonetheless.
Most of the time, I kept asking the purpose of a certain character or the big picture of the story, because I felt there was none, simply existing to fill in some form of "creativity quota" or "diversity quota".
When I see other ideals and concepts being displayed in other works, I question, 'should I focus on that concept too?', 'am I covering enough significant topics?' 'will my work actually put forth any value?', 'am I missing something?'
Now the realistic response to any of this is 'why does it matter?', and mostly 'who cares?'. This project only pertains to me, it's not a service to the world. Drawings are drawings, why so much fuss?
Things are born incomplete and polished over time; there is no shame in producing inadequate, formless material.
I came to realize that the answer to all these concerns was and is not "yeah it shouldn't matter", because it does matter, only thing was that this whole ordeal had nothing to with art. It had nothing to do with "incomplete characters", "unfinished art style", "can't draw landscapes" or just plain frustration of comic panel looking like crap. It all rooted down my frustrated preoccupation of all these ideas and concepts that I wanted to thoroughly convey and structure in my head. It was not that I could not define the concepts for my comic project, it was that I could not solidifies concepts in general that I wanted to incorporate via comic project.
When I draw my character or a practice of landscape, the mother of all frustration was not from the inconsistent facial features, the erase marks, nor their poor composition.
It was the reminder in the back of my head, demanding attention to just please address that jumble of thoughts. And I have to sheepishly answer that no, I don't know how to untangle them. I don't even know what's tangled in there, I'm discouraged to know.
A "just do it" didn't help, have you tried pulling hard on the jumbled cluster of wires? It's a total cluster fuck that defies all laws of physics. The source of a knot or pulling friction is impossible to locate when there's million other blockages in the vision. The sheer weight of the cluster creates further difficulty and unintentional knots. And heaven forbid one stays sane by trying to untangle it by wire by wire, only to eventually lose track of it because of its goddamn length.
But unlike the literal bastard of a wire cluster, the mind itself unravels over time, I guess that's the entire purpose of "stream diary". Granted, it is a very slow process, but allowing the mind to naturally relieve itself from time to time seemed to have provided a bit more clarity to me. I believe in occasion I still unintentionally yank at the cluster out of frustration, worry, and even a wrongfully-guided attempt to fix. I have yet to completely determine the nature of what caused this mental tangling, but at least it feels less overwhelming now.
Also, I think I have found a decently tangible track to take from here. So with the progress I have made so far, and at the level of confidence I feel with my concepts, I will begin a proper roll with my comic project. I am going to start this by laying out very specific concepts that I have and am exploring. This will provide me some visual maps of focus and also some relief from my mind; relieve the pressurizing steam from an uncoordinated turmoil that would otherwise affect performance, so that the system can work in a normalized setting yet again. This is the best method I have come up with so far, it makes the most sense to me. I hope that this will carry through as I hope.
When I am on a stable roll with this, I really need to work on keeping journals short. Too much stuff going through and reiterating inside my head constantly.I am literally losing sleep over this, so much for sleeping early today. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday, and perhaps this "relief" of thoughts and intentions that I put out here today will help me achieve restful slumber.
I am expecting to post a lot of conceptual things from this point on, maybe proper glimpse of what my project is supposed to be. Trying not to sound too excited about this so that I can reserve the energy for a more long term use. So for those who's been keeping up with me, thank you!