I need to find something to motivate myself to come back here. I haven't even fully read all the comments on my last journal, whenever that was posted.
Considering that I have a few DA matters to finish off, it's a bit more crucial that I return, yet that instead makes me not want to return at the same time.
We all like to run away and stay away from our responsibilities sometimes, don't we? Only when when our mind is in leisure or things are almost broken beyond repair we begin to address them.
In reality addressing it as soon as possible will only make peace come sooner, but we are too obsessed with immediate satisfaction. So we instead waste more time.
I don't understand where the satisfaction is. I spend the rest of my day thinking about things I have to do and how I didn't do them, how much I time I wasted, and this apparently seems more comfortable than getting something done quickly, making free time and boosting my feeling of accomplishment. Maybe I have other things to worry, which I indeed do like everyone else, but it makes no sense that I'd rather pour my energy on worrying over something I cannot predict further.
So I guess to relieve the tension I feel from all this nonsense, I write this out and consequently read the scripts of my thoughts, which makes me realize harder the fact that whatever I am currently doing is not logical and counter productive, and that is actually making me a bit depressed, which is again counter productive and against its entire purpose. ...DOH
I am digging a directionless, underground tunnel to pass a wall, when I can build a ladder and jump over it. Building a ladder takes more effort than gripping a spoon, but at least when you have a good start, it takes 2 seconds to jump over. Yet I am afraid of what might flash behind the wall, or a giant falcon gripping me in mid air, or the possibility that the other side is a cliff, so I'd rather go slowly under dirt, even though underground, I may be as clueless. Caution is always necessarily, it'd be reckless of me to jump over with my eyes closed, but I don't see how it's that much better to be too cautious. I am wasting time.
Others tell me very often to stop worrying, that worrying won't change what happens in the future, but that's technically untrue. Worries make people prepare, it's only that an excessive amount is bad, I am aware, I am just having a hard time determining at which point I should stop myself. I am often worried that I have not worried enough, indicating a poor preparation and not having thought of everything I should have, because there are a lot of things I can look over, which as a consequence can invoke problems that could have been avoided and therefore render myself as a reckless, unprepared person, which can have a rather detrimental effect to the occasional low self esteem I experience, causing myself to be too timid and too limited if not resolved properly which can counter-productively negatively affect my performance at my job, yet at the same time worrying too much can cloud my mind to efficiently look for proper resources which can help me avoid potential problems, and instead have negative affect on my psyche and physical health, making me sleep extremely late because I waste time writing journals about it in hopes of relieving such mental tension and conflict, when more realistically I could be giving myself sufficient amount of sleep such that when the circumstances do arise I am more mentally refreshed to response properly even if I have not prepared as much as I unrealistically hoped for the night before, and the reason why I would never feel that I am prepared enough is because with my sense of insecurity and impending doom at the moment, I probably cannot even think of what to worry further about anyway, and despite the fact that objectively I could have already finished preparing as much as I could as this particular individual, it's not the matter of what to worry and what to not worry about anymore, it's about whether my insecurity is fully fed, but let's face it, insecurity is never satisfyingly fed.
In conclusion, I have realized that excessive worrying is to overfeed my insecurities, whose tummy will never feel full despite its necessary dosage being already satisfied. It's something that I just have to learn to put aside, whether it is crying out loud or not. This is some seriously annoying mentality bullshit. I wish I were a more efficient thinker and doer.
Most appropriate thing to do now is sleep. Take care of few things until end of Friday, then hopefully I'll be back. Then figure out how to improve my attendance on DA.