Hi all, happy new year! May this year bring health and fortune. I had many plans the past year of 2014 as I transitioned to a new lifestyle but I certainly did not get to achieve all of them. It took a lot of time adjusting and frankly new lifestyle literally meant by lifestyle. (I have graduated and am working full time now..)
My daily routines, freedom of schedule and source of inspiration as well as tiredness changed so much. And unfortunately art didn't really have its place.
Also complicated life events as we all face eventually held me bounded for quite a while. But at the end of 2014 I can say it wasn't exactly bad. In one way or another a part of me has developed and endured something new. Hopefully now at 2015 I can face the year with slightly different leverage and perspective. Mainly, at least related to DA and art, I really want to get something rolling. But hey this time, I actually have a slightly different tactic that I am dying to try. After all this hype of holiday and new years is over and I am back to my solo life, I am hoping to use this recharge to get something done. Yeah I know, I said it a million times. But over the last few months I have seen changes in things I have been waiting so long to see.
Life still has ups and downs and I am not happy about returning to a solo life and 8-5 workdays, but in bigger pictures of things year 2014 gave me a satisfying closure. Or is it that I have learned to find closure on my own? This entire year has provided some unpleasant training for me; meeting and dealing with unpleasant people and mainly the fact that I was on my own. That itself is a whole new realm of responsibilities and fears.
It sucked for the most part, but sometimes you have to suck it up and deal with it. Because what else can I do? Then as long as you stay communicative, mindful and respective of yourself it seems ok in the end. What started out feeling like punishments to inadequacy and interpersonal naivety just eventually turned into a brutal wake up call. And I am thankful that the wake up call was not destructive nor lethal, because I am sure not all are lucky to avoid. My life is not ideal, but it was enough to never let myself fall too far.
I am not sure not going to trivialize my own efforts though. I am proud of the changes I were able to bring to myself, because I chose to bring them. I am grateful of my upbringings like my family and opportunities, and I am proud of my choices I made to myself with these.
I am not psychic for I dont know what new things I will face now thats undoubtably more difficult, but I hope it will start differently. Ok, enough speech.
A lot has happened in the past year. However I shall not provide the details because...well, everyone has these times and it actually might not sound as spectacular as I personally perceive it. But freaking hell, even without guns and monsters the depth of human issues are ridiculous. I rather deal with interstellar aliens and flesh eating virus than the complicated mental, emotional world we deal with (I shall be careful what I wish for, I dont actually want to deal with apocalpyse and life of danger).
And you know what? My job kind of sucks, but thats life. You either learn the path of grand passion by succeeding in your wildest dreams or you face to learn the dull grayside of life, and learn to cope that things are not always like movies. And that is ok.
Never compare yourself to that kid in school who became CEO of a great startup company or earned a recognized position at a notable company, or get on TV for being successful at young age and tell yourself 'my life is not how it should be'. Sometimes things just turn out anti climax and dull, but you can always learn from it too, given you let yourself open to it.
My first job was so unflattering it was almost depressing. And because of how boring it was, I felt undeserving of the fortune my family provided to me. I felt like a disappointment and waste of resource. Actually I still do from time to time.
But I think I had to stop telling myself it isn't how it should be. Instead I had to keep telling myself 'too bad. What can I do about it?' so I pushed myself to occupy myself, so I spend less time moping and self punishing and most importantly, constantly trying to find a blame.
There was no point trying to put fault, neither other nor even myself. I decided to take responsibilities of what mattered more objectively, not out of guilt or self destruction.
For the most part, by living alone I realized wasting time blaming and pitying myself screwed nobody but me. Nobody else was home to take a lash out nor stop me from destroying myself.
Maybe at this time being alone wasn't too bad. Frankly at the beginning of my job and move in I broke up with my partner, which made me actually alone. This year truly started as alone, but I took the journey to learn to branch myself somewhere, outside or inwards, from that point.
Hmm I ended up writing too much. I guess overall I had a lot to reflect on, a lot because I have remained silent about this besides maybe one or two person, from friends, families and communities like DA. I guess my conclusion is that in retrospect this year was painful, but really meaningful. I hope my future years will be equally enlightening.
Stay happy and healthy everyone. Dont be too hard on yourself for disappointments; as long as you remain open it will provide something to you regardless. Great thank yous for those who kept up with me during my hiatus and also despite my hiatus. Hope to see many changes for 2015. Cheers!