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Well it's already been past a month since my last post and the whole "I'll be active again!" schnanigans. It seems like lately I cannot get into drawings at all, or sadly any art related things. 
I suspect there's some internal constipation associating itself with drawing such that it prevents me from anticipating any joy out of doing art, like an uncomfortable web that's gone total cluster fuk. 

I would have spent time untangling this but other personal stuff is not giving me much space to do so, time and energy wise. I have identified a almost solid wall that's being the most hindering thing, but I don't know how to address it. I don't even have enough willpower to do anything about it, but it sure nags the hell out of me. 

However in the end, I know that the most important thing about dealing with these overwhelming internal complications is to really let it be for a bit, and not rush. So for now I spend a lot of time cooking. I will keep myself busy (not mindlessly) until I feel enough space to unravel the knots. Maybe it might be never, maybe I may never draw again. It might be never as long as I am in my current situation/environment, or maybe I am done with drawing for good. 

But I don't feel like self prophesizing right now, and at the same time, I don't feel like demanding a wishful fate on me either. If my body and mind don't want to partake in artistic activities, then I don't think I will resist against it. It's obviously repulsing for a reason. If I am inclined and choose to just distract myself from this dilemma, I'd rather not engage in any mindless activities, because with this eventually I will only condition myself to be lazy. 

There's some shadow inside me that I need to light to truth, but I am not sure which angle to shed the light, yet. It is obviously not something I can fix with brute force if it was capable, to this extent, of stopping me from doing the simplest hobby. I think it might be getting worse. That or it's beginning to exploit itself more. Like cancer, it's taking deeper effect on me, yet at the same time, it's beginning to become more visible. I can either choose to interpret this as doom or an opportunity to study it. 

Obviously I will choose the latter because I have no intention of giving up art by any means, but for now I have to let this thing grow, and keep a mindful watch at the same time. It would be foolish for me to sit around and let it destory me, or even to stab it constantly and hope that it dies, to which I will probably die from first....I do not have enough resource to take a stab at it and keep a mindful watch at the same time. 

So I think I will say that I won't be doing art for a while, let alone a doodle. I am taking break. I don't even want to impose it on myself as motivation anymore, I am obviously not wanting to do it. This also implies that I will not be active on DA either. I apologize to people awaiting my reply or response, I will address them as much as I can for now. 

I hold onto hope that by taking away "art" and "being artist" out of my view that's been constantly blinding me, 
and binding me, 
because my sense of identity and accomplishment are so greedy,
I will see the web inside of me more clearly,
and shall life give me enough space,
to which majorly will be affected by what I choose as my pace,
and how I remain mindful and open to what truth I may face,
whether to never be able to draw again and give up my heartfelt project, 
or to take many steps back and admit I am not ready yet, 
or in the most wishful fate, become the artist I wanted to be, 
I will untangle this cancerous mess and set myself free, 
and all these anticipation only blinds me more, for I will probably only want to see what I want to see
So my dreams I shall always follow, but for now I will mindfully admit defeat
to give myself space to breathe, to let myself get back on my feet
to accept things that's not meant to be, whether this is true for eternity or temporary, I am not sure
but by taking steps back that I may currently perceive as undesirable from this endless battle, rest assured, 
I am almost certain that I will be able to fight it back one way or another
eventually, whether that be soon or never, in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter anymore
I don't want to spend the rest of my life in overwhelmth and resist, to overlook what I could have decided to still take,
So for now, I give myself rest; this battle I no longer wish to partake
Perhaps with a third eye I shall gain wisdom to fight this differently entirely,
or if it becomes exhausted on its own and falters, I will have time to examine more closely,
or the world shows mercy and gives all of us a chance to compromise, 
whatever opportunities come, I will take and utilize,
for anything is better than bringing anyone or anything a certain demise,
because all of this, in the end, will always be a part of me. 
So being flexible and mindful, I shall be.
For the time being, I shall relax, and develop joy in other things as I cook and bake
Perhaps cooking is not that far off from art after all, as food is still an invention of mine, something I make
Tonight I chose to keep myself happy and active, by making arugula salad and steak.
It's already been an hour since I started writing this, I am so stubborn with getting my thoughts across
However I know in these efforts and time I chose to put into this, I feel no loss
I must now eat my food now, it's getting cold.
I may not be back, I may not draw again, but all this hope that I've written here, I will forever hold. 


I didn't intend to write a prose, haha. It just happened. Anyway, thanks everyone. 
Der Murman by EmptyShadow
Der Murman
Der Murman...Der Manmur...Mur Mander...Mur Derman...Man Dermur...Man Murder...

Wasted three hours scribbling and trying to figure out what to draw. It was painstakingly boring and depressing because nowadays I don't really have a lot of home time. I am seriously considering change of job and several of my coworkers share the same sentiment. The group is disorganized and micromanaged as hell. It's still at an early stage but if this persists any longer I have no problem leaving them a mess I no longer wish to have to grind through. Such big issues with large companies. And it's not the particular person or thing; it's the entire structure of how one entire group works. Are you familiar with Dilbert comic strips? It's starting to tragically reflect the job and people I work with. One thing I am grateful for is my coworkers. I will say that some are not entirely in the same status as I am, in terms of citizenship, workforce and also work culture. They have different benefits and demands, so I don't doubt they may deal with worse. However they share my frustration and at least always willing to finish the work. This is only to some of my coworkers, however. Others I wish to slap perpetually. 

There is a very long list of job related frustrations, however I assume this is only the beginning of it. If this wasn't common, things like Dilbert wouldn't exist. At least I am not alone. People would know. Anyway, enough job rant.

There is really no point nor purpose of concept on this picture, nor the title. Overall 'tis a silly product. I was interested in images playing with hues and contrast. I still have minimal idea on them. Pulled up some reference pictures and went from there. A bit of coloring style imitation in there too. Many improvements can be made on this picture. I am not entirely satisfied as how I intended for them to look, but this will have to do. 

I kind of liked the rough texture of coloring on Kai's portion, but I wasn't sure how to replicate that in a refined form entirely. 

What a beautiful merman! 

Character & Artwork © EmptyShadow 
Loading...
D.Amn pg 13 by EmptyShadow
D.Amn pg 13
I really wish I can put a thumbnail on this. It seems the only time I am ever active on DA is when I post something. That being said, my apologies for not responding well to the messages. I've gotten appreciative feedback on my previous deviations and also journals, and I read all of them, just not replied. Need to keep up with some Deviants as well. I shall try my best to attend these while I am active very very temporarily for now. 

I disappear off the face of the earth until I decide to post something. So if I am unresponsive, chances are I am rolling around somewhere else. I really miss the time when DA felt like my life and I checked on it daily. A lot of social media has lost my attention, but maybe that's a good thing. It's healthy to keep a decent part of your life offline. 

Anyway, this is page 13. This is the new format I wanted to try, it's sort of storybook-ish. Since I do not seem to have enough energy and motivation to draw several panels at the same time, I decided to create some space for myself with text. 

Personally, I am still struggling with my artwork. The difficulty of the composition, character not looking right, story flow not seeming awkward, panels not divided accordingly (I keep squishing images at the end), frustration from repetitive frames, time consumption in coloring & detailing,  etc. and while I am enthusiastic about comic, it drains too much out of me with my current abilities. 

So, I am going to allow myself to pace with my drawings. I would still be able to convey my comic story, while not straining myself excessively about the visual artwork. In my highest of hopes, over time my drawings will get better and more practiced in story telling. My motivation would remain more stabilized because I won't stress myself the perfection of drawings, which means more stable production.

Instead of raising high standards then only to take a step backwards, or fooling my mind with superficial motivations and inspirations, I plan to pace myself more tactically. 

I accept that I suck in many aspects. I am not professional and I am hardly productive, I am not as nearly good as I want to be, and I want to step out of this limitation. I really do; I want to improve and do something different. My drawings may look great others; that I appreciate greatly. But every time I draw I feel myself hitting a wall; it doesn't feel enough. It feels like same old thing. The only way to improve is to keep going; repetitive practices and also getting blockages & clutters out of my head.

There is so much clutter in my head; ideas, stories, new designs, etc. They are just stuck there. My mind imagines far greater things but my physical expression of it seems inadequate. 

So you know what, enough grudging...I don't want to push myself to a point I don't want to draw anymore, but I don't want to just laze around telling myself with false hope "it's ok just take your time. It will come back soon". They put me back to square one; feeling unproductive and not moving on. I have to keep moving!

This is the format I shall be using for now, for comics. If I choose to make the entire strip just words, then so be it. I just need to get this clutter relieved from my mind. 
When story flows, new characters will be properly introduced, characters' traits will become more clear, context would make sense, i.e make more room for me on what I can draw and post.

Right now I didn't put too much effort on the pictures. Comic panels are hard to compose for me still, so I went easy. And the text...I briefly proof read it. Who needs grammar anyway!

I do not know how legible or comfortable it is reading this. If you have any suggestions on the text (font, size, text spacing, not looking like a wall of text) that would be great. Let me know how the flow works out. 

Previous page: D.Amn - page 12
Next page: TBD 

Characters © EmptyShadow
Artwork © EmptyShadow 
Loading...
Well it's already been past a month since my last post and the whole "I'll be active again!" schnanigans. It seems like lately I cannot get into drawings at all, or sadly any art related things. 
I suspect there's some internal constipation associating itself with drawing such that it prevents me from anticipating any joy out of doing art, like an uncomfortable web that's gone total cluster fuk. 

I would have spent time untangling this but other personal stuff is not giving me much space to do so, time and energy wise. I have identified a almost solid wall that's being the most hindering thing, but I don't know how to address it. I don't even have enough willpower to do anything about it, but it sure nags the hell out of me. 

However in the end, I know that the most important thing about dealing with these overwhelming internal complications is to really let it be for a bit, and not rush. So for now I spend a lot of time cooking. I will keep myself busy (not mindlessly) until I feel enough space to unravel the knots. Maybe it might be never, maybe I may never draw again. It might be never as long as I am in my current situation/environment, or maybe I am done with drawing for good. 

But I don't feel like self prophesizing right now, and at the same time, I don't feel like demanding a wishful fate on me either. If my body and mind don't want to partake in artistic activities, then I don't think I will resist against it. It's obviously repulsing for a reason. If I am inclined and choose to just distract myself from this dilemma, I'd rather not engage in any mindless activities, because with this eventually I will only condition myself to be lazy. 

There's some shadow inside me that I need to light to truth, but I am not sure which angle to shed the light, yet. It is obviously not something I can fix with brute force if it was capable, to this extent, of stopping me from doing the simplest hobby. I think it might be getting worse. That or it's beginning to exploit itself more. Like cancer, it's taking deeper effect on me, yet at the same time, it's beginning to become more visible. I can either choose to interpret this as doom or an opportunity to study it. 

Obviously I will choose the latter because I have no intention of giving up art by any means, but for now I have to let this thing grow, and keep a mindful watch at the same time. It would be foolish for me to sit around and let it destory me, or even to stab it constantly and hope that it dies, to which I will probably die from first....I do not have enough resource to take a stab at it and keep a mindful watch at the same time. 

So I think I will say that I won't be doing art for a while, let alone a doodle. I am taking break. I don't even want to impose it on myself as motivation anymore, I am obviously not wanting to do it. This also implies that I will not be active on DA either. I apologize to people awaiting my reply or response, I will address them as much as I can for now. 

I hold onto hope that by taking away "art" and "being artist" out of my view that's been constantly blinding me, 
and binding me, 
because my sense of identity and accomplishment are so greedy,
I will see the web inside of me more clearly,
and shall life give me enough space,
to which majorly will be affected by what I choose as my pace,
and how I remain mindful and open to what truth I may face,
whether to never be able to draw again and give up my heartfelt project, 
or to take many steps back and admit I am not ready yet, 
or in the most wishful fate, become the artist I wanted to be, 
I will untangle this cancerous mess and set myself free, 
and all these anticipation only blinds me more, for I will probably only want to see what I want to see
So my dreams I shall always follow, but for now I will mindfully admit defeat
to give myself space to breathe, to let myself get back on my feet
to accept things that's not meant to be, whether this is true for eternity or temporary, I am not sure
but by taking steps back that I may currently perceive as undesirable from this endless battle, rest assured, 
I am almost certain that I will be able to fight it back one way or another
eventually, whether that be soon or never, in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter anymore
I don't want to spend the rest of my life in overwhelmth and resist, to overlook what I could have decided to still take,
So for now, I give myself rest; this battle I no longer wish to partake
Perhaps with a third eye I shall gain wisdom to fight this differently entirely,
or if it becomes exhausted on its own and falters, I will have time to examine more closely,
or the world shows mercy and gives all of us a chance to compromise, 
whatever opportunities come, I will take and utilize,
for anything is better than bringing anyone or anything a certain demise,
because all of this, in the end, will always be a part of me. 
So being flexible and mindful, I shall be.
For the time being, I shall relax, and develop joy in other things as I cook and bake
Perhaps cooking is not that far off from art after all, as food is still an invention of mine, something I make
Tonight I chose to keep myself happy and active, by making arugula salad and steak.
It's already been an hour since I started writing this, I am so stubborn with getting my thoughts across
However I know in these efforts and time I chose to put into this, I feel no loss
I must now eat my food now, it's getting cold.
I may not be back, I may not draw again, but all this hope that I've written here, I will forever hold. 


I didn't intend to write a prose, haha. It just happened. Anyway, thanks everyone. 

deviantID

EmptyShadow
psycho keeper
Artist
United States
I like birds

My Tumblr: paransaeya.tumblr.com
Commission Page: emptyshadow.deviantart.com/jou…

Current Residence: My room
Favourite genre of music: Anything that sounds good
Shell of choice: Seashell
Favourite cartoon character: Hatake Kakashi
Personal Quote: If you flee in fear you will die, but if you face and fight your fear, you may survive.
Interests

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:iconlunabelnadez:
LunaBelnadez Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You are not maybe... open for commissions or art trades?! ;v;
Reply
:iconsoobirdy:
SOObirdy Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2014
Happy early cristmas..Heart (:
Reply
:iconmichinsaeya:
michinsaeya Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2014
Kai :heart:
Reply
:iconparansaeya:
paransaeya Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2014
Your art is amazing. Keep up the good work. =)
Reply
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