Throughout the whole night, she couldn’t sleep and stop thinking about her son. Lying next to her was her husband, who woke up from her constant movement.

“Maria, will you just sleep and stop worrying about that kid?” he said in annoyance.

“What if he’s not sleeping...,” she said, and quickly rolled off the bed.

“Maria…” he said, and grabbed her gown.

“Adrian!! You’ve seen what he did there. Who knows if he’s going to attempt it again!!”

“Hey! This is not the first time is it??” Maria quietly stood still, shaking a bit.

“And…whose fault is that?”

“Oh my god, not this again!”

Maria and Adrian were parents of four kids. They fought like this occasionally because their family was always under stress due to financial issues and Adrian being an alcoholic. They lived quite an empty life. Adrian also developed a habit of routinely abusing one of their sons at a young age. It had been nearly a decade and he became better now, but the wound he inflicted on his son scarred his son for life.

“I’m going down” Maria said, and quickly left the bedroom.

Their son’s bedroom was located somewhere deep in the basement, hidden from the world. Maria slowly opened the door to his bedroom and peaked inside to see that her son was indeed not asleep. He was sitting silently on his bed, listening to music with a large set of headphones. He was still wearing his afternoon clothes, black sweatshirt and tight jeans.

“Kai…” she called out softly, but he did not respond. She couldn’t really tell if he was asleep or not because his hair covered his eyes.

“What are you doing still being up this late?” she slowly moved toward him and took a seat next to him. She took him in her arms and held him tightly, relieved that his son did not do anything afterwards, after his recent near suicide attempt.

“Why can’t you just let me sleep?” he murmured. Maria did not know how to answer him. So she stroked his hair gently and kissed him on the forehead, but that didn’t make any difference to him. He still hated living, being home, being left out, his family, and he hated himself.

“Why do you want to keep me alive so badly?” he asked. “Why do you want me tortured?”

“Why would I want to see you hurt, honey, I’d never want that” she said, and she felt a slight push against her body. Kai freed himself from her arms, and stared at her with his cold eyes.

“Sweetie please…it will get better, everything’s going to be alright” she said as she tried to reach for his hand. Once she took a hold of his cold hand, he snapped himself away from her.

“And when was the last time you said that?” he responded angrily. “It won’t get better. Never will. I’m a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve life.”

“No…don’t say that…everybody deserves to live…”

“I don’t deserve to be happy”

“No”

“I don’t deserve to be loved”

“No!!!” she cried out.

“Why are you keeping me alive??”

“Because…because…” she said hesitantly with her eyes slowly watering. Kai suddenly rolled off the bed and stood in front of her.

“All you do is make my life more miserable. Dad comes in, and he starts beating me, what do you do?” he yelled out.

“What do you do????” he repeated loudly, but Maria only sobbed softly.

“All you do is…is…stand right there, and do nothing!” he said. “And you think you are doing such a righteous thing by keeping me alive and miserable. All you do is watch and act like you are helping. All you do is tell me its okay but you never do anything” Maria tried her best to keep herself from bursting into tears from guilt. It is true. She was always afraid to fight against her alcoholic husband when he’s furious. All she did was to clean up the mess.

“Don’t waste your time anymore. Leave me alone,” he said shakily, and sat at the far end of his bed. Maria sat there silently, thinking of all the times she tried to so hard to help him. But despite all those years, Maria didn’t matter to him anymore.

“I’m sorry…I just wanted to…your dad is…I’m………” she stuttered, and before she burst into tears, she said, “you are all I have left…” and silently left the room.

Quickly after she left, Kai looked toward where she recently sat, with sad eyes. Let’s just get this over with, he thought, and searched for a pair of scissors because that was the only weapon he could find close by. He lifted his arm in the light, filled with many scars that each told a sad story. This will be my last one, he told himself, and brought the scissor to his wrist.

….

Then the last words of his mother kept ringing inside his head. You are all I have left. He shook his head and told himself that he’s better off dead. However he silently sat there with the scissor on his wrist. He suddenly felt a piercing pain in his chest as he thought about how much his mother must have suffered.

How much she must have suffered watching her son being hurt. How much she must have suffered from being unable to protect her son. How much she must have suffered from having to live with all this pain, and yet trying so hard to keep herself alive for the sake of her son.

And here I am.

Dying for myself.

The scissor dropped on to the ground. He clasped his chest with both of his hands from feeling so guilty, selfish and heartbroken, as if trying to grab his dying heart.  

You are all I have left too… he whispered and sobbed quietly. He wanted to embrace his mother so tightly in his arms. He wanted to wipe her tears that he had caused. He wanted to tell her too that she was all he got. He wanted to show her that he loved her so much. After couple minutes of feeling guilt, he had made a decision.
“I will live for my mom,” he said firmly, and wiped away his tears. But he couldn’t help feeling miserable from the fact that his father still abuses him, he lives in the basement, he has no friends, and his life is basically down the dump. Suddenly he started feeling tortured and miserable again. I can’t!!…I can’t…., he repeated to himself, his motivation to live gone. I hate this house…I hate my father…, he whispered to himself, and suddenly stood up and started throwing objects around the room in rage.

“I HATE THIS PLACE. I HATE IT I HATE IT,” he screamed, “NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, IT TURNS OUT TO NOTHING.” After a while jumping around, screaming his lungs out, and throwing things around, he fell on to the ground, feeling exhausted. He lay on the ground still, looking at the ceiling, feeling empty and thinking. Since there was nobody around him to talk to, he started to talk to himself.  

“Why does my dad hate me? Why am I here?” he asked, but he couldn’t answer any of them. Because I’m worthless. Because… he primarily thought, but that didn’t sound like a sufficient answer. Feeling stuffy from being unable to answer his own questions, he tried to ask smaller questions.

“I wish I could have a better room. It’s so gloomy here.”

“Why is it gloomy?”

“Because it’s grey…and small”

“Some people actually prefer this type.”

“Well, not me.”

“I wonder how they actually prefer gloominess.”

“I don’t know. They just like it.”

“…” he suddenly sat upright and thought about what he just said.  Why do they like it?, he pondered, …this is a stupid question. He lay on the ground again and started to slowly inspect his room, and started asking himself questions again.

“Why do they like it?”

“I don’t know”

“Why don’t I like it?”

“…Because I’m in a basement, because I always have to do the chores, because dad bosses me around. He never lets me have anything,” he said angrily.

“…You know...”

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes I wish I was just dumb. Then I would just do what he says and not feel sad.”

“Why can’t I just do what he says without feeling sad?”

“Because he’s making me feel miserable.”

“Maybe I think it’s miserable. Because if I were dumb… I wouldn’t think about that, right?”

“…”

“Hello?”

“You know, when I had to get a shot one time, I cried so much because I thought it would hurt so badly. Then the next time I told myself it’s nothing, it didn’t hurt and I didn’t feel scared.”

“What does that mean?”

“…” he thought. A couple minutes passed by.

“I’m miserable here because I think or believe that I’m,” he said quietly.

Things or people don't make me miserable. They are just influences… I decide whether I want to feel miserable about it or not, because the… very heart…. of misery is within…..me…

I don’t have to dislike the gloominess in this house. I…I don’t have to feel miserable when my dad calls me worthless. Th..they could make me feel bad, but I…I don’t have to be.  If I get an F on my... math… exam I could either tell myself I can try harder or… call myself… stupid and feel bad. If dad hits me…I could…think either that I’m piece of shit and I deserve it or…think that maybe dad was just angry, he thought, and his thoughts rambled on.

Misery…anger, greed…worries, all come from…me. If I can’t change what I don’t like…then…I have to change my heart…how I look at it, how I perceive it…how I feel about it, he told himself, and the night passed on.
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The night was long and the sun eventually came up and there were quiet chirpings outside.   

Maria, left heartbroken and exhausted from crying, walked sluggishly to the kitchen to prepare and start the new day…a new day where her presence was no longer favored by her son. It had been a dreadful and long night for her, and she didn’t think much of anything anymore. I guess that was the last of him, she thought to herself.

Suddenly there came a small voice from the kitchen.

“Hi mom,” Kai greeted standing by the stove cooking something. Maria felt confused, though somewhat relieved.

“One egg? Two eggs? Toast? Soup?” he asked, but in a very peculiar tone. In her jumbled mind she couldn’t tell if it was really Kai or not.

“Uh…eggs would be… nice,” she responded, but she did not take a seat. She kept staring at Kai for his sudden and odd behaviors, and as she was inspecting him head to toes, she realized that he was wearing something different too. When the food was done, Kai transported it to a plate and placed on to the table. With a little grin he tapped the table as a sign for her to seat down.

“Kai…this is so…sudden,” Maria said, with so many questions to ask.

“Yeah sorry about last night” he replied. It had been odd enough for Maria to see Kai cooking something without complaint, and now he was apologizing for his bad behaviors. He had only occasionally apologized before.

“I will be in my room,” he said, and quickly went down the stairs to the basement. Something’s wrong, Maria thought.  In fear, she ran downstairs only to see that Kai’s watching TV quietly.
“Hi mom,” he greeted again. Maria looked around, surprised to find that his room looked different. Some things disappeared, like used and bloody bandages, some posters, and his room was relatively cleaner and empty.

No, it can’t be, she told herself.  Due to her curiosity and without thinking, she started raiding Kai’s desk drawers, which contain many items of his emotions and characteristics; drawings, diaries, books, accessories, matches and often razors or needles. They were all empty, except for couple drawings and diaries that were left behind. The rest was all thrown into the garbage. Kai seemed to not mind. He only stared at her curious behaviors in his own curiosity.

“Kai…what happened to you?” she asked in confusion. Kai only responded with a shrug.

“Hon…honey…wh…what happened to you….are you okay? Are..are you okay?” she said as she held Kai close to her. Maria became increasingly worried as she thought that Kai had gone insane.

“Sweetie...I’ll always be here…it’s okay Kai…e..everything’s going to be alright, okay?” she stroked his hair gently as Kai looked at her blankly. Maria tried to hug Kai but he refused to be hugged. Instead he took her in his arm and gave gentle pats on her back.

“…” she whispered.

“It’s okay mom. Everything’s going to be alright,” he said.